Ink and Paper

Confidence drives me, and prevents my perfectionist mind from succumbing to despair. Yet this day is lined with enough discouragement to completely blow all four tires on my driving force. It's all I can do to take this in stride. Am I aiming too high or striving too low? Is it a case of overconfidence or underestimation? And with my steadfast belief in constructive criticism, I refuse to lay the blame anywhere but on myself. Out of sheer admiration and the utmost respect, I absolutely will not take the route of my peers and pose war on the members of faculty. Perhaps their haughty course of action is the main factor in my reluctance to bring forth my own debatable situation, but regardless, I've become incredibly disappointed with myself.

My reason tells me I should not take it so much to heart, but I truly am my own worst critic, and although I realize that all too often I take my denunciation to the extreme, I still haven't figured out how to curtail it. I am far too sensitive to the remarks of those I look up to, and even if the downgraded outcome of my effort was unjustifiable and still remains so, I continue to take it internally. My head aches of incompetence. The excitement of ten days has been suffocated by the foreboding uncertainty of my potential for the next four years. Do I continue to pursue an extensive education when I'll be running on faith alone? Perhaps it would be in my best interest to bail out completely and follow an easier path to a more unfulfilled life that I am positive I can achieve.

I should slap myself for sinking that shamefully low. My introspection can be so merciless sometimes. What I really need is to take this injury as fuel and reignite my determination. Paint over this fucking face of failure and step forward to prove I am worth so much more than what they've ascertained.

And through these words I have won. I have rehabilitated my momentarily lost ambition. Another self-reliance test passed as I brought myself back from the brink of insecurity and self-doubt. I am proud that I can confide in myself and persevere without relying on reassurance from another. This is proof I am solitarily stable.

All I need is ink and paper.