Exhale

all the times I said I was scared
how your eyes were reassuring
so often I fled unsure of return
always finding you waiting by the stairs
open armed and dangerously infatuated
your gracious smile soon found my lips
eyes sealed seductively shut
we'd stumble our ascent up the steps
finding love behind closed doors

we only knew weekends
and fragments at that
heads tilted back
draining two litres of bitter
the party was pornography
fully-clothed

soon I came expecting your hands
you worked late
I barely let you in the door
and we were halfway up the stairs
giggling with glazed eyes
luring with wandering hands
I found it cute when you wanted a drink
I'd already had enough for both of us
it was time to take off your uniform
I reassured
you didn't need to see your friends

all we did was play
through the nights
into the following days
eventually I stayed sober
long enough to clearly see your face
it was months before I realized
what my intoxication had told you
without any words spoken

I had refused feeling thus far
but without double vision
I saw your heart reflected in milk chocolate eyes
I repeated my fears
while we hid in a corner
away from prying eyes and ears
that only wanted us to drink
but your body had me

convinced you had really pieced me together
from the drunken haze
I took your hand
and began to walk beside you without stumbling
never looking back on the impossibilities
of comprehending the blur
of looking further than the flesh
of seeing anything at all

and from that very unlikely beginning
we grew a relationship
shot after shot after shot
immobilized together
we lay hungover
day after day after day

time brought weekdays
late and absent classes
catch you before afternoon shifts
sex before school
days spent in bed
silently gazing
never a serious word spoken
if we spoke at all

then came endless hours of video games
and furry little animals
our only shared passions
besides that of intoxication
after enough repetition
anything can become the natural thing to do

those days lasted forever
then we began to change
together
we started staying sober
I detested what we had become
and with love you followed my lead
you found a world outside
you'd never even realized was there

we forgot your friends
and found each other
discovered that which had remained hidden
since the day we met

our beating hearts

we began to support our personalities
encouraged our best
you thought you knew me entirely
yet never read my precious words
it felt like years that I tried to show you
I'd rip the veil away
bare my soul
you wanted to be my everything
but never heard a word I said



I finally stopped by
we both knew it had to happen
we both knew I wanted to avoid a mess

I exclaimed success
you smiled at the happiness I didn't speak of
I tried my best to return the favour
but it was hard after seeing them
realizing the return of the house
to constant intoxication

I felt you kiss the air when we embraced
I choked on the grief I havent let surface
I swallowed hard to keep from realizing your demise
eyes forced shut to keep the tears from brimming

I haven't had an appetite, or a will to move
again the beer bottles glued to my lips
wondering how it happened
how I let you fall
I thought we had grown so far
I didn't think a tree could again become the seed.