I, always

I am the strength of chain-linked fence. I am the resolve of algebra. I am the ringing in a sound-proofed room. I am the ambition in not good enough. I am the face of a genetic line of lovers. I am innately animal. I am the danger of soaking up too much sun. I am the immunity to invading disease. I am the product of an emphatic environment. I am the distance to Andromeda. I am the amorphous passage of time. I am the transcendent soul felt through the flesh. I am the continuance of touch in a gaze. I am the insatiable thirst for stimulation. I am the mask that veils the explicit. I am the surrender of imagination ceaselessly to wonder.
I am.

Into Hollow Words

on the path to realization
we all analyze
and over analyze
until we have complicated the simple
to the point of no return

its all for the exhiliration
of watching the complex crystalize
into tangible thought

and although its quite the temptation
to map out the fine lines and creases
that make up the microscopic gorges
of our most superficial skin

we would soon tire of the tracing
and wish to revert our knowledge
back to unchartered wonder

at some point
we're all guilty
of reading too much

Splatter

echoes of my imagination
I wish they would bounce into oblivion

I'm beginning to regret the release
REWIND
I spoke too much

dreams
ideas
poetry
so much safer within
the confines of my skull

my head has been racing
accelerating with every passing moment
I was pure genius

just to suddenly slam on the breaks

they will have fun
scraping the remains of my brain
off of the windshield.

I'll Be Damned

so often I find myself rereading
repeating and repeating
slogans for life etched onto every surface of the brain
engraved permanently like epitaphs on a tombstone
forever withstanding the tests of environment
weathering without total disintegration
of the original emotion

I feel far too much like I'm straining
stretching myself further than my arms reach
yet wrapped in this blanket I have not flexed a muscle
have not moved an inch in hours
will my head ever tire of this repetitive course?

what you feel inside
can flood your extremities
wash over you
seems to start in your chest
spidering out from there
to the tips of your fingers
base of your toes
rippling in gasping waves
emotion is energy
and thus travels the same

I hope to find a kindred soul
one to heighten my perception
one to heal my imperfections
together we could connect
create and complete
and encounter the sacred

I am held enraptured
my thoughts never straying for long
I can no longer call this fleeting
the ever sensual virgo
never ceases to desire elevation
of both body and spirit
I am the dormant volcano
is my eruption anticipated
how I hover above the heat
enveloping myself in the overwhelming
I cannot permanently kill my passion

I dream of elegance
embodied within eyes alone
pierce my exterior
feast upon the abstract
deliver me from my state of security
into the wilderness of unadultered emotion
make me feel the whole fucking spectrum
in the synaptic cleft between neurons

for thine is my kingdom
bring forth my instinct
exonerate the beauty
that doesn't merely flicker
but burn like Hades' pupils
beyond the depths
of my own personal touch

Greetings From Cancun

Hey tash, I suffered a horrible hang over yesterday, one of those ones where you lay in a dark bathroom with a pillow for 6 hours. Theres a good story of how I got it Ill share with you when I get back.

Another story, it subsequently ends in a hangover as well, although not as bad a one. I got wasted drinking white russians, laying in the surf staring at stars on beautiful warm night. Apparently I wrote haiku because there are several in my memo pad I have no recollection of. Did you know the big dipper is upside down here? Alas, I thought of you and it was somewhat depressing, for a moment I felt contentment, amusement, giddyness, relaxation, pure extatic joy. Then I thought of how you might of all people have shared that feeling with me and it was depressing. Well thats it, if it werent for you I could have lived in that moment forever. You ruined it I hate you. You should come to cancun sometime though, seriously its something else. Take care I love you. But you suck so much. Bitch. Hope alls well Ill talk to you soon, I miss your conversation horribly when I am here.

Yours Truly,

Justin


how peculiar the beginnings
of the most incredulous stories
the strongest intellectual bonds
always sprout from the shadiest stems

were you the dormant seed
and I the scattered sunlight?
our ignorance almost kept us from cultivation

you could not look past my bloodshot eyes
as I smirked in mockery at your football jacket
but, somehow, between the numeric equations
your lady of the time, dear sweet claire,
made us grit our teeth and bare the empty chatter
which would slowly blossom into poetic banter

do you recall the ampitheatre
and the reading of our creative writing
in turn, we each sat in the spotlight

I haven't retained much more than the drone of their voices
but I remember the shake in my own
I kept my chin on my chest, speaking only to my knees

I read, Upside Down
the first piece I've ever confidently called complete
I felt their hushed laughter, their bemused eyes

I also felt the silence when I spoke the last word on the page
slowly I raised my head to the stunned audience
I saw mouths hanging open, and the whites of wide eyes
to the side, Mrs. Mueller grinned gleefully

abruptly, they all began to mumble
some couldn't say more than "what..."
others proclaimed they were lost
a few began to argue amongst themselves
eventually, all eyes settled on me for answers

I immediately spewed excuses
and tried to clarify the confusion to no avail
my replies were reduced to a whisper
as they became as restless as before

next up

before I stood with a sigh
relieved my part was over
I glanced at your silent sneer and smiled
you, at least, honestly admired
oh, how grateful I was for your presence

later that semester
I wrote a single page for my culminating assignment
and skipped out on the final presentation
leaving This Thing Called Talent in Mueller's mailbox
I'm glad I wasn't there for another moment of their shock
when she read forth my most hidden fears, my greatest guilt
but I would have killed to hear your replies
to the classroom of flighty followers and fantasizing fatheads
if I've never said it before
thanks a fucking million, dude.

I still regret that I missed your presentation
I was such a fuck up, such a ruined adolescent
but I read your novel through, and still have it to this day
admiring your ability to do that which I could never
you've always managed to astonish me
please continue to do so


Justin, I am truly touched
to have invaded your mind
as it was absorbed in exotic bliss

this Russian Fox
has never been more gratified
to wear the title
Bitch.

Devour

with every word spoken
I'm closer to lunging
oh, to sink deep my teeth
into the flesh of your neck

to drink your very essence.

Claustrophobic Computer Lab

the click clack of keys
eyes straining at screens
I feel so old fashioned, fingers penning away on plain paper
while they type their vision away, feeling foreign to writing utensils
that are so sacred to my hands

the art of computing
its not the difficulty
but the lack of desire to learn

soon our species connected to wires
muscle fused to metal
veins pulsing battery acid
brains hardwired to a motherboard
virus checking the files in our heart
defragmenting images of the past
firewalling our weakness called mortality
when our vision is entirely digital, how will we accurately predict equipment malfunction?
how will we ever be protected from the malicious attempts of a bitter electronic body?
what would be done to prevent hacking into your head?
what if they deprogram your hard drive labeled life?
will it be possible to reboot reality?
or will they shut down your world?

I hope the future finds us fossilized
natural life forms wandering obliviously
over our graveyards full of mechanical monsters

Quill

floating and fluttering of long hair and lashes
emotional horizons through which she crashes
mind swaying this way and swirling around
drifting abroad where she'll never be found
covered in goosebumps but without the chill
such is the power of the soul through the quill

Exhale

all the times I said I was scared
how your eyes were reassuring
so often I fled unsure of return
always finding you waiting by the stairs
open armed and dangerously infatuated
your gracious smile soon found my lips
eyes sealed seductively shut
we'd stumble our ascent up the steps
finding love behind closed doors

we only knew weekends
and fragments at that
heads tilted back
draining two litres of bitter
the party was pornography
fully-clothed

soon I came expecting your hands
you worked late
I barely let you in the door
and we were halfway up the stairs
giggling with glazed eyes
luring with wandering hands
I found it cute when you wanted a drink
I'd already had enough for both of us
it was time to take off your uniform
I reassured
you didn't need to see your friends

all we did was play
through the nights
into the following days
eventually I stayed sober
long enough to clearly see your face
it was months before I realized
what my intoxication had told you
without any words spoken

I had refused feeling thus far
but without double vision
I saw your heart reflected in milk chocolate eyes
I repeated my fears
while we hid in a corner
away from prying eyes and ears
that only wanted us to drink
but your body had me

convinced you had really pieced me together
from the drunken haze
I took your hand
and began to walk beside you without stumbling
never looking back on the impossibilities
of comprehending the blur
of looking further than the flesh
of seeing anything at all

and from that very unlikely beginning
we grew a relationship
shot after shot after shot
immobilized together
we lay hungover
day after day after day

time brought weekdays
late and absent classes
catch you before afternoon shifts
sex before school
days spent in bed
silently gazing
never a serious word spoken
if we spoke at all

then came endless hours of video games
and furry little animals
our only shared passions
besides that of intoxication
after enough repetition
anything can become the natural thing to do

those days lasted forever
then we began to change
together
we started staying sober
I detested what we had become
and with love you followed my lead
you found a world outside
you'd never even realized was there

we forgot your friends
and found each other
discovered that which had remained hidden
since the day we met

our beating hearts

we began to support our personalities
encouraged our best
you thought you knew me entirely
yet never read my precious words
it felt like years that I tried to show you
I'd rip the veil away
bare my soul
you wanted to be my everything
but never heard a word I said



I finally stopped by
we both knew it had to happen
we both knew I wanted to avoid a mess

I exclaimed success
you smiled at the happiness I didn't speak of
I tried my best to return the favour
but it was hard after seeing them
realizing the return of the house
to constant intoxication

I felt you kiss the air when we embraced
I choked on the grief I havent let surface
I swallowed hard to keep from realizing your demise
eyes forced shut to keep the tears from brimming

I haven't had an appetite, or a will to move
again the beer bottles glued to my lips
wondering how it happened
how I let you fall
I thought we had grown so far
I didn't think a tree could again become the seed.